The Religious Marriage Dilemma

When we turn a blind eye to fundamental life principles under the guise of religion, our choices, perspectives, actions, and decisions suffer.

May your life be enriched by the beauty and power of meaningful relationships, and may you also become a blessing to those around you.

This dilemma has sparked intense controversy within the religious community.

As I delve into the misconceptions surrounding marriage and Christianity, you may begin to question my faith.

But make no mistake—I’m a devoted follower of Christ.

However, I refuse to condone ignorance and empathy’s absence in the name of religiosity.

When we turn a blind eye to fundamental life principles under the guise of religion, our choices, perspectives, actions, and decisions suffer.

The Religious Marriage Dilemma

Consider the marriage of my brother, John, and Sister Beatrice.

A dedicated member of Faithful Steward Vineyard, John’s love for God knew no bounds; he would readily sacrifice his time and resources for the church.

Brother John was one of the church’s most generous givers, yet he humbly served as a sanctuary cleaner.

Every Sunday, long before the worship service began, he’d arrive early, arranging and cleaning the chairs with dedication.

Notably, he didn’t live nearby, but his commitment was second to none.

However, Brother John faced a pressing concern: at 35, he remained unmarried, despite being independent, hardworking, and deeply devoted to God.

To top it all, he embodied the quintessential T.D.H.— Tall, Dark, and Handsome—the kind of man many ladies adore.

The church remained curious about Brother John’s unmarried status, eagerly awaiting the day he would introduce his lucky partner.

However, the reasons behind his singleness remained a mystery, known only to him.

Naturally, Brother John wouldn’t broadcast his personal life through a megaphone, sharing intimate details with the congregation.

Instead, he graciously endured the subtle pressure and inquiring side-eyes from church members.

The pastor had personally reminded Brother John several times, “It’s not good for a man to be alone.”

He’d emphasize the importance of leaving one’s parents and cleaving to one’s wife.

Amusingly, Brother John had taken the first part to heart—he had long left his parents’ household.

However, instead of cleaving to a wife, he had seemingly cleaved to himself.

The Religious Marriage Dilemma

“But, Pastor, I have a problem!” Brother John exclaimed,

finally opening up after the pastor’s long sermon about his situation, which further intensified the pressure.

“What’s troubling you, Brother John?” the Pastor asked, his tone reassuring. “No problem on earth is beyond God’s solution.”

Brother John took a deep breath. “Pastor, I’ve been diagnosed with Intermittent Explosive Disorder.

It’s a mental health condition causing sudden, impulsive outbursts of aggression, violence, or verbal anger.

Even slight provocations trigger my anger, and if not managed, I could harm those around me or destroy things.”

“Hmm…” The pastor sighed, his expression thoughtful. “But you don’t look like someone struggling with that.”

Brother John nodded solemnly. “I know, Pastor.

In church, I appear fine, but at home, I’m a different person— a beast, even.

My mental disorder forced me to leave my parents’ house to protect them and the children from my outbursts.”

He paused, collecting his thoughts.

“The church is my sanctuary, my coping mechanism.

Serving here brings me joy, and that’s why I’m so invested. Otherwise, I’d be in a psychiatric facility, under daily monitoring.

But I refuse to go down that path. Instead, I manage my condition with medication and occasional therapy sessions.”

Brother John’s voice dropped to a whisper. “That’s why I’m hesitant to marry, Pastor. I’m terrified of harming the woman I love.”

“What’s your parents’ take on this?” the pastor asked.

Brother John sighed. “To be honest, Pastor, my mother’s only concern is having a grandchild.

She’s pressuring me to marry, but I’m torn.

I feel like my only option is to…well, to do something that goes against my values.

I’d have to have a child out of wedlock, which would be considered a sin. It’s a difficult situation.”

The pastor’s expression turned reassuring.

“Brother John, don’t worry.

God’s plans are not limited by our circumstances. You will find your partner, your bone and flesh, just as Adam had Eve.

God didn’t create Adam to wander among random women; He gave him one companion.

Similarly, God will provide you with your own life partner.”

“I understand, Pastor, but what about my health? I fear harming someone I love,” Brother John confessed.

The pastor’s expression turned compassionate.

“Don’t worry, Brother John. We’ll support you through prayers. You will find a life partner.

Remember how the church brings you joy?

Imagine marrying a devoted Christian sister who’ll bring that same joy into your life.

Since the church is your sanctuary, a like-minded partner will be your rock, your coping companion.”

He smiled warmly. “A godly woman will submit to your love and leadership, as the Bible teaches.

And you’ll cherish and honour her, creating a haven where neither of you will take offence.”

“Hmmm,” Brother John sighed, nodding in agreement. “You’re right, Pastor.”

The pastor smiled. “Now you see!”

Brother John’s eyes sparkled with newfound hope.

“Actually, Pastor, there’s someone I’ve been considering, —Sister Beatrice.

She’s one of our lead choir singers. I’ve noticed she’s interested in me too,

but I’ve hesitated to reciprocate due to my concerns. Maybe I should take a chance.”

The pastor’s face lit up. “Sister Beatrice is a wonderful, God-fearing woman! Go for her!”

Brother John’s face broke into a grateful smile. “Thank you, Papa.”

“Kneel, let me pray for you,” the pastor instructed.

Brother John knelt, eyes closed, and hands lifted, receptive to the pastor’s blessing.

The Religious Marriage Dilemma

In no time, Brother John won Sister Beatrice’s heart, the woman he had deeply admired.

She had secretly hoped he’d notice her, and when he finally asked her out and proposed, she was overjoyed.

After months of courtship and guidance from the church’s marriage committee, Brother John and Sister Beatrice stood before the altar, exchanging vows.

With solemn promise, they pledged to love and cherish each other “for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and health, until death parts us.”

This sacred commitment—to bear each other’s burdens, even in life’s darkest moments is the very essence of marriage.

But I often wonder, why can’t our marriage vows be “For better and better, for richer and richer, and in good health, till death parts us?”

After all, God’s plan for us is of good, not of evil, and for an expected end filled with hope.

So, why do we inject negativity into our vows? Are we doubting God’s promises or surrendering to defeat and ‘reality’?

Perhaps this is where the religious marriage dilemma begins—when couples feel forced to accept whatever comes their way, without questioning.

The love story of Brother John and Sister Beatrice unfolded in blissful harmony until a sudden shift occurred.

Just days after their first intimate encounter, Brother John’s demeanour changed dramatically.

His temper, once a struggle he’d worked to manage, resurfaced with alarming intensity.

Over every minor provocation, he found himself irrationally angry with Sister Beatrice, his loving wife.

Sister Beatrice’s eyes widened in dismay. “Is this the Brother John I married?” she wondered, stunned by the sudden change.

She had thought she knew him—a good, upright man, inside and out—due to his steadfast devotion to God.

But now, she saw a different side. The Brother John she admired in church, exemplifying humility and kindness, was nowhere to be found.

Instead, a short-tempered stranger emerged, revealing a side she never suspected existed.

One might wonder, “Didn’t they date for years to understand each other better?”

The Religious Marriage Dilemma

However, the challenge lies in navigating intimacy during courtship without succumbing to sexual temptation.

To avoid this, some Christian couples often opt for group dates or public outings instead of private, secluded time together.

This presents another dilemma in religious marriages:

How long should Christian couples date to truly know each other before marrying,

and what’s the best approach to deepen their connection without compromising their values?

Brother John likely withheld the full truth about his health from Sister Beatrice, driven by a desire to fulfil biblical mandates—to not be alone and to be fruitful and multiply.

Unwittingly, his beliefs led him to prioritize his own needs over Sister Beatrice’s well-being.

As time passed, Sister Beatrice’s face bore the brunt of Brother John’s anger, swollen from multiple punches.

She became his punching bag, a shocking reality hidden behind closed doors.

Whenever friends and family inquired about her injuries, she’d fabricate stories of accidents to protect her husband’s reputation.

If she confided in her mother-in-law, her mother-in-law would give empty comfort,

knowing that her son’s behaviour stemmed from his health struggles.

But the mother-in-law’s own desire for grandchildren kept her silent, perpetuating the cycle of suffering.

Later on, Sister Beatrice’s discovery of Brother John’s mental health struggles came unexpectedly, through his medication and therapy sessions.

Confronting him, she asked, “Why didn’t you tell me about your mental health issues?”

Overwhelmed with remorse, Brother John explained his reasons.

Sister Beatrice listened, considering his vulnerability, and embraced him with compassion, demonstrating her genuine love for him.

Despite this newfound understanding, the cycle of violence persisted.

Brother John’s anger remained unchecked, and Sister Beatrice continued to bear the brunt of his outbursts, suffering beatings at the slightest provocation.

Desperate for respite, Sister Beatrice sought the pastor’s counsel, her voice trembling with exhaustion.

“Pastor, I’m at my breaking point. My husband’s violence threatens my very life. I’m considering divorce.”

The pastor’s calm demeanour contrasted with Sister Beatrice’s anguish.

“Sister Beatrice, take a deep breath. All will be well.”

Sister Beatrice’s tears flowed uncontrollably.

“When, Pastor? When will it be well? I’ve endured too much already.”

“Sister Beatrice, remember that weeping may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning,” the pastor counselled gently.

Psalm 30:5 KJV

[5] For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.
https://bible.com/bible/1/psa.30.5.KJV

“Recall the vows you made on your wedding day and the scripture’s stance against divorce.

Don’t make a decision that might displease God.”

Sister Beatrice sighed, her voice barely above a whisper.

“What should I do, Papa?”

“Pray, my daughter,” the pastor urged.

“The Lord will hear your cry. Marriage is a lifetime commitment, strengthened by prayer and endurance.”

Sister Beatrice remained silent, hesitant to question her revered pastor’s guidance.

“Let me pray for you,” the pastor said, as Sister Beatrice knelt to receive his blessing.

Put yourself in Sister Beatrice’s shoes: trapped in a violent marriage, torn between faith and safety.

This is the harsh reality of religious marriage dilemmas.

Once united, you’re bound to your partner’s problems, whether known or unknown.

Tragically, Sister Beatrice’s story ended in heartbreak.

The Religious Marriage Dilemma

Years of endurance gave way to a fatal consequence: Brother John’s relentless abuse claimed her life.

Consumed by guilt, Brother John’s anger escalated, teetering on the brink of suicide.

His downward spiral culminated in madness, and he was eventually institutionalized for treatment, shackled and broken.

The pastor, shaken by the devastating outcome, underwent a profound awakening.

He vowed never again to counsel couples against divorce without considering the complexities of their situation.

His once rigid stance softened, replaced by empathy and understanding.

Lessons:

– Domestic violence, like Brother John’s relentless abuse, is never acceptable and can have devastating consequences.

– Silence, as Sister Beatrice’s initial reluctance to speak out demonstrates, can be deadly.

– Religious leaders must approach marriage counsel with sensitivity, avoiding rigid doctrine that prioritizes marriage over human well-being. 

– Mental health matters; Brother John’s untreated issues exacerbated the violence.

– Endurance has limits, as Sister Beatrice’s fatal outcome tragically illustrates.

Compassion and empathy are essential in addressing such situations.

– Ultimately, safety and well-being may require ending a toxic marriage, and religious teachings should prioritize human well-being above all.

Also Read: Your Marriage is a Story – Diademng

The Religious Marriage Dilemma