I’ve always been fascinated that people may ignore almost every other topic but the moment the word sex is mentioned, every ear lifts up, all eyes are on you, and you receive undivided attention like I’m receiving now.
There is this hard to resist appeal that surrounds that Word and everyone is covertly or overtly interested in it; the filthiest of criminals do it and the most anointed ministers of God do it or hope to do it someday.
Many times in the past, before I knew what I know now, when I listened to a married minister of the gospel preach with an awesome anointing and fire, I think to myself that “this woman or man, too, with all this anointing, must be doing the ‘Rumba dance’ at night o” and I would wonder how come all that anointing doesn’t stop the sexual urge? It was later when I met my hubby that he made me realize that “Love making when approached properly, is the perfection of holiness”.
Recently, I got a rude shock! I stumbled on the fact that as popular as SEX is, you can’t find it in the bible! I have with me about twenty-seven (27) different translations and versions of the bible and none of them used the word sex for what happens between a Man and his Woman. In fact, only two of them used something similar and they called it “Sexual RELATION” (emphasis on relation is mine).
All the others used words and phrases like, ‘Know’, ‘lay with’, ‘made love with’, ‘was intimate with’, ‘intercourse’, etc but you will never come across the term “had sex with”, not even once. This made me pause and wonder why, then I came across some information about the sex life of Animals; some of which I will catalogue here. Get ready to be shocked as I will be showing you how some Animals approach sex.
- When earth worms wants to mate, the male produces a band and wraps the female forcefully to him, immobilizing her like that till he finishes what he wants to do.
- The sea lion when in heat and wants sex but for whatever reason no female is available, goes into a rage and takes out his frustration at being denied on the babies around, forcing himself on them and being so bigger often smothers many to death!
- The African Bull frog when sexually aroused spends the whole day eating to store up energy because he must spend the whole night sexing different females, to the extent that two or three of them can pounce on one female and while all of them are trying to have her, they tear her stomach apart, spilling her guts and killing her instantly.
- The Male Bee must die to have sex because whenever it does and ejaculates, his penis breaks off! And he falls to his death but despite this, he still goes ahead, a classical case of death by pleasure.
- The Red back Spider must also die to have sex because it is statutory protocol for the female to eat him while he is still inside her.
- To crown it all, there is a Specie of Chimpanzee called the BONOBOS, they share about 98% of the human DNA, to them, SEX is everything. It is the mainstay of their lives. Every one of them have sex all day long- males with females, males with males, females with females, papas with babies, mamas with their babies, babies with babies-, in fact, they have this driving need to have sex as often as possible that each session only lasts thirteen seconds, as such, they must quickly finish with one partner so that they can move to the next one. They use sex to greet, show affection, exhibit their anger, diffuse tension and settle quarrels. Everyone in their kingdom does it!
You may be wondering the essence of these when we are humans and not animals?
I sincerely hope and pray you can see what I’m seeing!
Can you pick the similarity in the way animals and humans approach sex? Many humans have the same selfish male dominance approach to Sex. Consider the examples above; do you see the similarity between them and many of the firmly held mindset that many humans have about Sex? Attitudes like a man can’t control himself if you deny him sex. Beliefs that as your husband, if you deny him sex, he would go out in frustration like the Sea lion to look for sex, rape like the Bull frogs, settle quarrels like the Bonobos or the cases whereby whether his wife enjoys herself or not, he must just do like the earth worm. In fact, recently, a Zoologist made a statement that “There is almost nothing animals won’t do to have sex, including copulating with other species. There is frenzy in animals when it comes to Sex pushing them to have it at all cost!” Look at that!
This is how I discovered why Sex wasn’t used in the Bible. God did not create man to have sex, because it is simply an instinctual, animalistic tendency. God never created man to have sex, He expects us to “Yadah”. Yadah is the original Hebrew word used when Adam first “Knew” his wife. Yadah means a deep, intimate, knowing in and out of another person and which is borne out of intense love. As long as we retain the SEX mentality, we will continue to see the union between a man and his wife the way animals see it- a do or die affair- instead of the way God sees it. God sees it as the sharing of both the soul and spirit and not just the frantic thrusting in of a taut ‘rod’ into a ‘hole’. Yadah connotes pleasure and fulfillment mutually derived by a couple as a result of the undiluted and selfless love that exists between them. Those two translations that added “Relation” to sexual did so that we may know that God expects it to transcend two people who are busy wriggling, panting and sweating together, to two people who are actually intimate and are enjoying a sweet relationship.
The moment all of us, especially we Christians, can imbibe this right mentality about love making, issues like- ‘how many times should we have it?’, ‘he wants me to suck him and I hate sucking!’, ‘you must not ever refuse him sex lest he goes out’, ‘I don’t enjoy what he does, I only fake orgasm to boost his ego’, – will not arise. With a proper knowledge of God’s intents, a man would not be pushed with thoughts of just thrusting in his penis into his wife, but rather, he would approach his wife with a consciousness of “with my body, I thee worship”. Likewise, the woman would not be pulled towards her man in the fear of losing him or the idea that she can control him with the Twin Mountains on her chest or the valley between her thighs but rather, she gravitates to him through the pull of absolute trust, love and ardour.
As long as we retain the SEX mentality, we will be no different from the Bonobos chimpanzees, we may be their sophisticated, corporate and phonetic speaking version but none the less, we will keep approaching the beautiful experience of the Act of Love from a myopic point of view. We are to make love out of Love which is friendship, trust, truth, honesty, transparency, confidence, rest in one another, and peace with each other. When two people truly love, it’s a symphonic dance of pleasure, it’s hard to know where one ends and the other begins, no secrets, nothing to hide, its two hearts beating as one. When this is the foundation of the relationship, how can something like ‘suck me’, ‘I won’t’ be an issue?
The first step to enjoying our sexuality is to renew our minds and empty it of all the wrong thoughts and popular notions about sex, while taking in God’s opinion of intimacy for man.
We should understand and first accept that it is God who created Love-Making, and unlike it has been spread abroad that it’s the man that its majorly for, the truth is that God expects both the man and the woman to enjoy it, and let me shock you, in fact, it’s the woman that He expects to enjoy it most, not only that, it is the Man that He gave the responsibility to make sure she is happy and enjoys herself. Deuteronomy 24:5 says “When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out with the army nor be charged with any duty; he shall be free at home one year and shall give happiness to his wife whom he has taken.” Do you see that? God wants you as a woman to have a swell time sexually, in fact, God gave a year holiday for newly wedded couples to explore and enjoy each other. So we should know that biblically, sexual pleasure is for the Woman too! And it’s God that ordained it. I like this Quote -“To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs, and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals.” — Don Schrader. The genitals were created by God too! The reason why many Women are no more enjoying themselves is because many things are wrong and that’s what we will be talking about here.
HINDRANCES TO SEXUAL PLEASURE AND FUFILMENT
MARRIAGE TO THE WRONG MAN
Getting married to a man who doesn’t love you or one who is ignorant and not teachable. No woman would respond to a man who ill-treats her, hurts her and breaks her all the time; his very sight will kill her libido, and when he touches her, she will repulse. Some men sincerely don’t know how to make love. The average man thinks it’s the intensity and frequency of thrusting into a woman that gives her pleasure, men don’t know that to really make love to a woman, knowledge is needed. That’s why the Bible says, a man must deal with his wife according to knowledge. The complication here is ignorance. Some of them don’t know and because they think they know, they don’t want to know.
LISTENING TO AND ACCEPTING OLD WOMEN FABLES AND MYTHS.
Another major hindrance is that many young women’s minds have been wrongly conditioned about love-making through fables and mythological ideas from some older married women whose marriages are nothing to write home about; and who have resigned themselves to their fate and as such, they are looking for “Fate companions.”, they intend to create pity-parties. Some of such fables that had hitherto destroyed sexual pleasure are:
A virgin is made to believe she will pass through traumatic and horrendous pain when disvirgined, and as such, she approaches her wedding night with trepidation. Her vagina artificially tightens, and the man, who’s been overly looking forward to time with his new wife and with whom the new wife has never shared her fears, would not know that he ought to spend extra time with her to really relax her, he would move in for the ultimate kill, and the unnecessary pain she would encounter would make her push him off. A wrong foundation would be laid for their sexual life, and if they don’t seek help on time, things would go downhill from there.
Are you a virgin in this state? Listen to me! It is true you will feel a measure of pain but it is a lie that it is unbearably traumatic. The pain of being disvirgined is not a quarter of the pain of the second stage of labour. I know some women do have very thick hymen that may even need surgical removal but the percentage of such women is almost insignificantly small. What causes too much pain most times is ignorance on the part of both of them.
Another fable is, even if you enjoy yourself at the beginning, after few years, a woman stops enjoying love-making, it’s just the way we are wired! Ehn! That’s a lie from the pit of hell. You are who you think you are. People will tell you that the stress of children, family, church, ministry and work often destroys a woman’s libido and so she herself doesn’t need or enjoy sex again, she only allows her hubby so as not to starve him. That’s a lie! It’s because we don’t handle things well, we will also deal with this under steps to take.
Another fable is the older the marriage, the less the love and feeling for each other. This is not true! Marriage is like a Vintage wine, the older it gets, the sweeter it is; but it all depends on how you handle your marriage and who you are married to.
Other fables include issues like:
Don’t initiate love making as a woman, it shows you are loose.
Don’t make love when you are pregnant or nursing because the foetus will be affected or the breast milk will become sour. This is not true unless if your doctors based on your personal health challenges and on health grounds advised you and your spouse against sexual intercourse for a specified length of time.
These fables are dangerous; they affect our mindset as women and invariably affect our abilities to let go and really enjoy ourselves.
EARLY SEXUAL ACTIVENESS AS A RESULT OF ABUSE, RAPE, ET AL
Sexual abuse in form of rape, forced prostitution, female circumcision and so on affect the victims psychologically especially when rape is the victim’s first exposure to sex, it can lead to emotional trauma; clouding her view of everything. Prostitution- forced or voluntary also affects response to sexual act. A once very active sexual life may cloud the psyche of a woman. For instance, when a woman has had multiple sexual partners who have used different styles and techniques with her; including drug induced ecstasy and, have taken her to different levels of pleasure- naturally or artificially, if she now ‘retires’ and marries a simple guy, it may be difficult for him to give her sexual pleasure, she may always have to compare him and his performance to many others that she had experienced. If a woman is also circumcised, pleasure becomes difficult to achieve for her because the major pleasure spot which is her clitoris has been partially or totally removed. The husbands of such women have double work to do but it’s not impossible. Women in these situations need to be willing and ready to get help.
“HE SHOULD KNOW WHAT I LIKE AND KNOW WHAT TO DO AT ALL TIMES” SYNDROME OF WOMEN
A lot of women are unfair to their husbands. Your husband is not a wizard or magician so how can you expect him to know what excites you if you would not tell him? This affects fore play a lot. The man keeps poking around, doing the right thing but in the wrong way or at the wrong time or doing the wrong thing totally and you keep mute! Then to make matters worse, you fake an orgasm, saying you don’t want to hurt his ego! The poor ignorant man struts away, celebrating himself for a good job which he most probably had enjoyed while you pretentiously deny yourself of pleasure. That isn’t love making; it is SEX! If you refuse to change now, after a while, you will be frustrated and feel used and so, very soon, you will lose the urge for love making and in this case, it will be no fault of your husband’s.
LACK OF ROMANCE
One major reason why many people’s sexual life gets boring and dull is because it lacks romance. You see, romance is the fore play of fore plays. What do I mean? A lot of couples concentrate on what happens or would happen on the bed, forgetting that what heightens love making especially for women are actions that had characterized the day between her and her Man- the accolades, sweet talks, appreciations, love texts, hugs, constant calls etc. All these prepare the couple, particularly the woman for night time. I’m shocked at the attitude of reserving touches and romance solely as the prelude to the main business. What’s wrong in a man holding his wife close before he leaves for work, running a hand up and down her back, telling her he loves her, kissing her and telling her she’s beautiful? When romance goes out of a marriage; it’s a matter of time before passionate and exciting love making goes out too.
All these hindrances kill the fire on our sheets.
PRACTICAL STEPS TO TAKE
These practical steps are to help solve the issue of poor sexual techniques. The importance of godly and experienced married couples as mentors can’t be over emphasized. It’s important to seek help about these things. Couples should also do what I will like to call sexual evaluation. This is why the foundation of friendship and love is needful in every marriage. I encourage women to tell their husbands what turns them on. Bear it in mind that nobody knows your body and its need more than you do, so if he’s doing the wrong things, don’t fake orgasm; lovingly tell him what you want done, what turns you on and what excites you. A good husband will love you more for it. You are the one who knows what and where you want touched and caressed, so discuss it. For the singles, the moment your courtship with a man has gone far and settling down is on the line, find a day to go to your mentors or pastors to discuss your sexuality; do not get married without having discussed issues like this.
Wives! Children, work, church, housekeeping and all the other excuses we often make should not be allowed to kill our libido. Ensure you and your hubby remain friends and lovers, and pick your “Me & U” time, times when no other thing or person ‘matters’. For goodness sakes, retain your sexiness for your hubby. Keep him wondering and guessing. Spice up your satin sheets. I have learnt that men sometimes feel bad when they have to initiate love making all of the time, they also want to feel loved and wanted and that comes when you also ask for it.
The Abused, circumcised and/or multiple sexual partner cases need both Jesus and counseling because that’s the only way out. There must be mind renewal. More so, such a man must have been informed about his wife’s past sexual problems because he would need to also be counseled on how to give pleasure to his wife particularly if she is circumcised.
“It came about, when he had been there a long time that Abimelech king of the Philistines looked out through a window, and saw, and behold, Isaac was caressing his wife Rebekah.” Gen 26:8 (NASB)
Isaac and Rebekah couldn’t have been making love in the open in broad day light, but they were definitely smooching; now that’s Romance! Check out Songs of Solomon chapters 2:5-6, 4:1-16, and 5:16. Did you see how the bridegroom serenaded his Bride in chapter 4? Who is that woman whose husband will describe thus and won’t feel loved? If the bible describes romance, why aren’t we putting it all into our marriages?
Finally, this has worked for me so I will prescribe it for you. It is God who created love making, and you can pray about your sexual life. Have you ever done so? Say Father, your desire is that I enjoy myself with my spouse so I ask that you help us to have a nice time, keep us afire for each other, let our wine keep flowing, let his/her touch wake me up, let him/her be always ravished with my love, and let our union be such a sweet spring that we both want to keep drinking in Jesus’ name!
It’s not a shameful prayer. It’s a Holy prayer that God will answer.
