Tobi Raji, a humanitarian and child advocate who has been a victim of multiple sexual abuses, explains how her past experiences with various rapists have inspired her to save every child from becoming a victim. She talks about what motivates her in this interview with Diademng’s Staff Writer/Reporter, Juliana Ajayi.
As a rape survivor, can you describe your experience?
My rape experience no longer saddens me because, to some extent, I have progressed past some stages of healing. I have gone through some process of healing. In contrast to when people inquire about what happened. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I don’t want to talk, but it’s a gradual process; the healing process is now a gradual process because it was an experience that changed my entire life as a child when I was growing up. It restructured my childhood into something it never should have been. For example, having to deal with depression, being timid, losing concentration in school, and losing appetite. Then there is the fear of people. As an adult, I rarely go to parties. Sometimes I don’t want to see a crowd, I see a crowd and get scared. All these things are feedback from my childhood trauma.
The first perpetrator was my maternal uncle, my mother’s brother. I was eight at the time. He came to my family’s one-year-old brother’s birthday party. He came over and unfortunately slept in our room. The children’s room. That was the only available place for him to sleep, so he committed the crime there.
We had a wall clock in our room, so I looked at the time and saw that it was 11:41. I’ll never forget the exact time the incident occurred—11:45 pm—when he forced his way in. He beat me. He then pushed me out of the room after doing what he did. In order to use the bathroom, my mother left their room. Out of fear, I was there shivering and my mum came out to ease herself. She met me at the spot. I was eight at the time and stained. I had white substance and blood all over me. I was covered in a white substance and blood.
Was your dad aware?
My father was at home. My mother dragged me back into the room and began beating him. She didn’t need anyone to tell her what he’d done. “What have you done?” she asked. “Are you insane?” she asked. “Are you cursed?” She didn’t stop at him alone, she was beating me as well using hurtful words, and foul language. And when the day broke, immediately she sent him back to where he came from. That was the beginning of the hatred between me and my mother. That single act caused a breach between us. She no longer trusted me. If anything went wrong in the house, or misfortune happened, I was responsible. I was not comfortable. Sometimes I thought of suicide as a child. I have attempted suicide over five times as an adult and as a child. I became aggressive and defensive because I could not defend myself as a child. Now when I’m accused wrongly, I want to pour out all my energy to say, “I didn’t do it.”
In what other way were you affected by the rape experience?
I used to be a brilliant student. My grades began to slip, I began to lose concentration, and I had flashbacks of how my mother beat me and how my uncle grabbed me, but I couldn’t tell anyone. Because my mother threatened me, I should not tell my father or anyone else. My father also happened to be my best friend. I realised my mother did what she did to protect her marriage because my father would take action. My uncle moved in with us just two years later. The same uncle who abused me. He came to stay with us with the excuse that he didn’t make his WAEC with the help of my mother.
Can you guess your uncle’s age when this happened?
He was an adult of about 19/20 years of age. He wasn’t a child who didn’t know his left from his right. When my mother was not present, he continued what he was doing. When my mother went to a church vigil, he forced himself on me. That went on until I was 15 years old. It went on from when I was eight till I became 15.
Aside from your uncle, who raped you for years, have you been sexually abused in any other circumstances?
I was raped, and it was a very humiliating experience and….it turned out to be a very shameful experience. As a result, I avoided going to people’s homes. I lost trust in everyone around me, which had a wide-ranging impact, including relationships with people. People say I’m cursed because having a sexual relationship with another relative is a taboo with spiritual ramifications and consequences. I am also a single mother who did not become so as a result of rape. I had a relationship that I thought would work out, but it didn’t. One of the reasons the relationship was soiled was because of my previous experiences.
Have you ever considered pursuing legal action against these perpetrators or seeking justice for yourself?
I know my uncle, but the other people were people I couldn’t get my hands on. There was a time when I was homeless, and it happened, and someone took advantage of me in the middle of the night. There was another time when I was assisted by a male and was taken advantage of. It wasn’t a friend I knew, but rather someone who offered to help. I can’t lay my hands on anything right now. I called another and said, “Do you remember you took advantage of me?” Then he said, “Speak up! “Who doesn’t know you’re a prostitute?”
I told him my story was all over the place and that I had no shame in telling him he was a rapist.
Getting justice is not my priority now. My priority is to ensure every child I come in contact with does not become a victim of sexual abuse. That is the best justice I can get. Trying to get justice will add to my trauma. When I spoke up, family members called me names and rejected me. Calling me a family breaker seeking fame who is soiling the family name, as well as implying that I want to spoil the family name. I am certain that I am not the only person who has been violated by my uncle. I am completely certain. Because he almost raped someone in the family. When I spoke up, she confided in me. She was curious as to why I was doing humanitarian work and advocating for children’s rights.
I am aware that you have taken medical and other important steps to heal from your trauma. But I’m curious if you’ve ever sought religious assistance or spiritual guidance.
Yes; I am a believer. I have spiritual parents. I had a run-in with them while looking for refuge. They are the first people I had an encounter with them in 2010. At first, did not speak with my pastor or his wife. His wife, on the other hand, is like a mother figure to the youth in the Church. There was a time after service they called me and wanted to know more about me. They got to know I had a child. They became the family I never had. Sometimes I don’t want to talk to anyone, but she has always understood, even to this day. The pastor’s wife was the first to notice I was depressed while trying to strike up a conversation with me. She noticed I often forget or lost in conversations.
My pastor’s wife showed great concern over everything that had happened to me. She complimented me on my strength for having to go through everything by myself. After that, they never let me be alone until I finished school. They call me to come over on the weekends. My son became their son, for whom they shop when they shop for their children. They are also aware of two or three people who have entered my life and hurt my feelings. My pastors have stood by me during my pain. God used them a lot – morally, financially, and in counselling.
So, spiritually, God has helped and built me.
As humans, we occasionally become tired and demotivated and attempt to get back on our feet. How do you stay strong while caring for a large number of children with diverse experiences and stories?
Sometimes, I don’t always want to continue, but when I look back at the children, I know I can’t. I simply cannot give up. Currently, I am responsible for 150 children who are under my supervision and attend school. I am involved in their personal lives. They are a part of my family, the family I was never given. So, imagine giving up on 150 children, closing your eyes and saying, “I’m not interested in this race anymore.” The children look at me and are hopeful.
When there is no food in the school, the students look at me and say, “Ms Tobi, we can’t be hungry.” I cannot give up when I look at the children God has placed in my care. I have my downtimes; running a free-tuition school is not easy, but God helps me. I am a co-founder of this school.
How can people get in touch with you if they want to support what you’re doing for these kids?
We have incredible people who have placed their trust in us. At least some have been here. The building is rented and we pay our volunteer teachers. We used to have 8, but now, we have 10. We have a computer and music instructor, and a caregiver who doubles as the cleaner for the kindergarten class. We still have over 200 students on our waiting list.
Our long-term vision is to have a landed property on which to build a school and shelter where people can bring rescued children from other states and neighbouring communities.
We have an official email address for the NGO: the school is an education project run by our NGO.
Email: schoolonthestreetinitiative@gmail.com; phone: +2347066526581; social media: schoolonthestreetinitiative
Eloquent and thought-provoking. You’ve managed to make a complex topic accessible and engaging.