Freedom and Healing from Sexual Abuse

Freedom and Healing from Sexual Abuse

— Testimony of May trigger

PART 2

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I eventually met the man of my dreams when I was 17 and I fell head over heels in love. He was and is still everything I’ve ever wanted in a man and the best part is he loves me for who I am. Fortunately for me he loved me back with no strings attached.

It was inevitable that we would get married and finally after four years we eventually did. I have been very blessed to have met a man like Shawn, I told him early in our relationship about the abuse and he stuck with me even although I was used goods.

God really knew what He was doing by bringing this man into my life because he was and still is exactly what I need. He is my comfort, my rock, and my very best friend.

Freedom and Healing from Sexual Abuse

After we got married life was good, but there was always something between us, I could never truly give myself to my husband as a wife should and I always felt ashamed that I was not a virgin on my wedding night.

I wanted to choose who I would give my virginity to, and I wanted so desperately to give it to Shawn. I had flashbacks and the memories kept flooding back every time we became intimate so for me making love to my husband was just sex.

I always seemed to switch off when it came to sex, it was as if I would leave my body until it was over. He never really said anything, but I know that it bothered him very much. I would feel terrible after sex, so guilty and I had to keep reminding myself that I was a married woman and there is nothing wrong with making love to your husband.

All I can say is thank God he sent such a wonderful understanding man to me; I am sure if it was anyone else, I would probably have been divorced by now.

The day I decided that I wanted my life back, was the most wonderful start of an amazing journey. I found myself and who I am in this world. I can walk with my head held high and I am not ashamed any more I am able to look back and see that I am stronger because of my past. My journey has not been easy, and I know that many people share my story, but not many are prepared to face the past.

Freedom and Healing from Sexual Abuse

It all started when we took our son to see a therapist because I was so concerned about his lack of confidence and the fact that he was having recurring nightmares. I was convinced that there was something wrong and I was determined to get to the bottom of it.

She had a session with him and then wanted to see myself and hubby afterwards. I was so anxious because deep in my heart my greatest fear was that my son would be abused and I never wanted that to happen to him, but I definitely was not prepared for what she had to say.

She told us that although she did not think that my boy had a serious problem, she was convinced that something was wrong and the only way to help him was to know what the problem was.

As I sat there listening to her I knew in my heart that I was to blame for my sons’ problems, I was always so very afraid to let him go and play or leave him to do his own thing. I constantly had to watch him, and I would have an anxiety attack if I could not see him.

He was never allowed to play at a friend’s house or visit someone without me. I decided that I had to tell her about my abuse because I was so sure that it was the cause of his problems. She told me that she had suspected something along those lines all along and she recommended that I seek counseling. I decided that I had to take her advice for all our sakes.

This was the beginning of my journey, and it was the hardest and scariest thing I have ever done. It was the beginning of my new life, but it was hell.

I often look back to that time and I imagine myself in a long dark tunnel with no light at the end, the tunnel just kept on and on for months and suddenly one day I began seeing a speck and eventually it turned into a light. My journey towards the light was manic at times, but it was worth every minute.

Freedom and Healing from Sexual Abuse

My road to freedom began when I went to see a psychologist, her name was Denny and I decided that I would be open and honest from the very beginning because I thought that if I co-operated then I would be healed quickly without much fuss. How wrong I was? I went through hell every week; I had to face a reality that I had kept a secret for so long. I had to open a can of worms that I did not want to.

I became severely depressed, and she wanted me to take anti-depressants, but I was adamant that I did not want to. I was not eating, and I lost a lot of weight, I could not sleep, and I was starting to have severe anxiety. I was so afraid and alone. This was definitely the darkest time in my life.

My first anxiety attack happened on the eve of my sons seventh birthday. I was sleeping very sporadically, and I remember waking up at about quarter to twelve being unable to breathe and having severe palpitations. I was terribly afraid, and I thought I was having a heart attack my palms were sweating, I had pain in my chest, and I could not breathe. Eventually I woke my husband up and he tried to calm me down but could not.

We got dressed and put my sleeping child in the car and rushed to the hospital, where I was diagnosed with panic attacks. The doctor on duty asked me if I was stressed, if only he knew. He gave me some medication and told me that I should be careful with them as they are very addictive. The nurse brought me some water and told me to take a pill immediately; well, I pretended to drink the tablet because I was too afraid to take it.

We got home at about two in the morning and by now I was so desperate to sleep that I decided to take half a tablet. As I lay down on my pillow, it felt as if a wave was washing over me, and I eventually fell asleep. When I woke up in the morning I felt as sick as a dog, my eyes were heavy, my head was thick, and my heart was breaking.

I stayed home for a few days trying to relax and sort myself out. I never sorted anything out and I never slept either. My husband was away on business, and I was all alone. It was then that I started having thoughts of suicide and death.

All I could think of was dying and the release it would bring. I planned to gas myself in the garage. It was just my son and I at home and I had plenty of opportunity to do it, but I could not.

In my utter desperation I went to see my GP and told him about the anxiety and depression. He prescribed some anti-depressants and told me to start taking them immediately. My therapist was pleased and told me that I could take them, and I would get better quicker.

I really tried to take them, but I could not every time I took one out and put it in my mouth a terrible fear would wash over me, and I would throw the tablet away. Eventually I think out of desperation on her part my therapist advised me to go and see a hypno-therapist or take the tablets. Well, I was more afraid of the pills and then hypnotherapy, so I made an appointment to see Tina.

I did not know what to expect and I was very nervous. I told her my story and why I was referred to her; she seemed very nice and told me that she was certain she could help me. She did not hypnotize me at the first session, and I booked another session for the following week. I was certain that this was the answer, and I left her rooms feeling confident that I would be well in a few weeks. I was eluding myself once again.

Through all this happening I still had to work and function on a normal level, and I struggled just to get through each day. I was still not sleeping, and I was constantly anxious.

The fear that I had was so intense and I realized that I was walking on a very thin line between insanity and sanity. I began feeling an intense yearning for God, so I began talking to Him. I think in the beginning it was pure desperation because I felt the no one could help me anymore.

I went for my next session of hypno-therapy not quite certain what to expect, but willing to try anything at this stage. I lay down on her couch and began to relax; she played some nice music and started speaking to me. She assured me that I was now hypnotized I must say I was not convinced.

I went along with her, and we spoke about my anxiety and the fact that it was all in the mind we also started talking about the abuse and how I felt towards my parents. After about two hours she brought me out of hypnosis, and I was exhausted. I booked another session and left her rooms feeling terrible.

I drove home from Orange Grove in a daze I am not quite sure how I managed to get home at all. Upon arriving home, I was so nauseous, and I felt so awful that I wondered once again what the hell I had done, I should have left things the way they were at least I had it all under control. Now my life was chaos, I had lost control.

Needless to say, I had booked another session still convinced that this was the answer. My next session was probably the most intense because I had to face my abuser and tell him what I thought of him. It all sounded wonderfully simple, and I was eager to get started.

As I look back and ponder on things, I realize that during my sessions I was extremely anxious, a day before my appointment my anxiety levels would be higher than usual instead of solving the problem it only made things worse.

My second session was by far the worst. I confronted my abuser, and I told him what I thought of him and how much I hated him and what he did to me, but the one thing that really surprised as well as terrified me was the amount of anger that I had inside. I had never really expressed my anger in any way, I would rather walk away and now I knew why.

The intensity of my anger was terrifying, and I hit the living daylights out of her pillow. When I eventually came out of hypnosis, I was exhausted and very shaken by my experience. I did feel better after a few days it always took me a day or two to recover from a session.

Unfortunately, I felt I was not making much progress I was still not sleeping; I was still severely depressed, and the anxiety was even worse. Yet I persisted in my quest to find healing.

Through all this my yearning for God became more intense I continually spoke to Him and begged Him for help. In the early hours of the morning when sleep eluded me, He was my constant companion. My heart ached and the only solace I found was in my God.

I once again went for a hypnosis session; this was to be my last session although I did not know it at the time. We did the usual and once again I was under and all through this session, I knew that this was not the answer, I was looking in the wrong place once again.

After my session I made another appointment with the intention of seeing her again in a week, I never saw her again.

I stopped seeing the psychologist at work too; I was convinced that they were not the answer.

So once again I was back to square one although this time I felt more out of control, more crazy and more depressed than ever. I had no idea what to do so I started reading books on depression and anxiety, I had an insatiable desire to learn more about my constant companions.

Amazingly it seemed to work as I read, I learnt that I was not crazy and what I felt was normal for a person in my situation. It was okay to not be in control all the time, it was okay to cry and scream if I wanted to.

Through all this I prayed constantly, I turned to God time and time again and all the praise and glory must go to my Father in heaven because without His guidance in my life I would have been a lost soul. He saved my life and helped me find a freedom that I had never known in all my life.

I eventually spoke to our priest and asked him for spiritual guidance. After a few meetings with him, he gave me an invitation to attend an inner healing training course. At first, I was really not in the mood for something like this quite frankly I had enough of healing and therapy.

Eventually I decided to go and see what it was all about; incredibly the very first seminar I attended was about abuse. Coincidence? I think not. God works in strange and mysterious ways.

As I heard what the other ladies had to say I began to relax as I learned that God loved me despite everything and that He did not want this to happen to me, His plan for my life was very different to the path that it had taken. One of the conditions of the course was that we all had to go for inner-healing ourselves. I was still struggling with the anxiety and depression, so I made the appointment; I had tried everything else and had nothing left to lose.

The inner-healing was an amazing experience and it radically changed my life.

I arranged to see Kirsty with the hope that this will be the solution. I knew that this was probably my last chance because I was not sure how much longer I could carry on. They welcome me with such love that I immediately felt at ease. I had to answer quite a few questions and I told Kirsty about the abuse.

She seemed quite certain that I could be healed, and it would take 3 to 4 sessions. I sat there wondering if this was really true. We started the session immediately and Kirsty wanted to take me back to the womb, I really thought this was crazy. To be polite I said that would be fine and I wondered how on earth I would ever be able to remember my 10th birthday let alone my birth.

But once again I did not understand the power and greatness of God, because He not only helped me remember, but He also showed me how much He loves me and best of all He showed me how much my Mom loves me.

I remember being inside a dark place and being afraid not wanting to come out and Kirsty tried to guide me out eventually it was determined that I was a prem baby.

When I was eventually born, I remember being held in my mother’s arms and Jesus came and took me from her and He looked at me and smiled with such love and tenderness that I began to cry, I knew then that I was not a mistake and that I have a purpose on this earth. I then saw my mother’s face as she held me in her arms, and I felt safe and secure because Mommy loved me. -Freedom and Healing from Sexual Abuse

We did the same through various stages of my of life and each time, Jesus was present, and I realised just how much He loves me and that the abuse was not part of his plan for me.

Thank God for my Freedom and Healing from Sexual Abuse