Fatherhood reflections

Presence and Provision 

I don’t know of anyone in history who, at the end of their life, lying on their deathbed, ever said the words, “I wish I’d spent more time in the office.” 

When we look back over our lives at what we value the most, the vast majority of us would point to our family. Whether we are fathers, plan to be fathers, or have a father, we all have a responsibility to our families. 

As men, there can often be a contention between providing everything our wives and children need, but also being present for them, creating memories and helping our children grow up to be happy, healthy and successful individuals. 

Being a father of a toddler, I love spending as much time as possible with my daughter, but I also recognise the responsibility of having to work to provide all the things that my family needs. It can often be a difficult balance to strike. 

But if we look to our Heavenly Father, we can see that he loves us enough to spend time with us whenever we call on Him, but He is also busy at work, ‘working all things for the good of those He loves.’ 

Jesus set a fabulous example in His life here on earth. 
He was constantly on a mission to teach God’s Word and call people to follow Him. But He was also incredibly compassionate, stopping in his tracks to notice those who were rejected by society or who cried out to Him. 

He even crossed a river in a boat to visit the demon-possessed man in order to set him free, before heading back to His original destination. (Matt 8:28-34) 

Likewise, we should seek wisdom and compassion to see when our children need us to be present in their lives. There will always be that temptation to ‘earn that little bit more’ for the sake of our families, but in my experience, I’ve found that we can live off a little bit less money and a lot more quality time. 

God wants us to live fulfilling, adventurous lives, but this doesn’t require us to have a huge bank balance. Setting an example of work-life balance to our kids will pay off as they grow up, allowing them to be people who love life and embrace fun and adventure. 

So, remember to spend time with your children. One day they will be all grown up and raising their own families, carving their own paths, making their own mistakes and celebrating their own wins. The time you have with them now won’t last long, so make the most of it while you can.  

Parenting Potential

We can often hear words that say we are created uniquely by God, that we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others, and this is absolutely true. But how frequently do we judge ourselves based on other people’s behaviour? 
As fathers it can happen easily. 

We can find ourselves looking at other dads and asking, ‘have I done this right?’, or ‘am I doing a good job?’ 
One area that can be especially difficult is comparing ourselves with our own fathers. Whether we’ve had a good or bad example, there is often the temptation to use it as a blueprint for raising our own children. But this isn’t always healthy. 

In Psalm 139, it says that we are ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’, and this includes the way we raise our kids. 

It doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t heed good advice, or that we should stubbornly stick to the way we’ve always done things, but it does mean that we can trust our own God-given instincts in order to parent effectively. 

God has ordained you to be a parent. He has given you all the skills, resources and instincts to do this well, and to raise children who are God-fearing, people-loving human beings who will do their best to raise the next generation. 

As a parenting team, you have the responsibility but also the opportunity to bring up your children in a way that is unique to you. Taking inspiration from other parents, including your own, is good and healthy, but be sure to be guided by God in making decisions. 

When your daughter reaches up for you, she wants you to embrace her because you are her safe person. When your son wants to play-fight, he knows that you won’t intentionally hurt him (although the odd bump on the head can happen sometimes!).

They aren’t waiting for you to read a manual on how to deal with them, they are waiting for you to be active in their lives. That’s the best kind of parenting. As they are growing up, they will remember the quality time you spent with them much more than whether their nap times were at the correct point in the day or whether they learnt to walk before the other toddlers in their social circles. 

Another thing to remember is that each of your children are unique. 

They may all feature the same DNA, but they are anything but identical to each other. And we need to recognize that we need to parent them differently too. When one child is loud and confident and loves to chat to anyone, we shouldn’t look at another one of our children who is quiet, reserved and who may hide behind us as wrong or try to push them to be like the others in any way. 

It’s about using a different approach for each child and seeing their individual potential. Each personality in your family will have strengths and weaknesses, even ourselves! It’s our job to discover the potential in each of our children and pull as much of it out as possible. 

Seeking advice and reading books are not wrong to do but remember that God has already given you everything you need to do this well. Rely on Him and read His Word for the best guidance.  

Paternal Patterns

As men, and as fathers, we are called to be giant killers. But what does that mean?

In our lives, there are certain patterns, traits, or habits that are unhealthy for us, but that we naturally gravitate towards. These can be a wide array of things: laziness, lust, lack of commitment, addiction, cynicism, to name but a few.

These can be just things we have fed as a result of unwise choices, but sometimes they are a result of things that have been passed down the generations. You may call it a ‘natural disposition,’ which often means that without care and attention, you can slip into these patterns. And while we should reflect on how we have been created; we need to fight some of these giants in our lives.

Take addiction, for example. If you know that the generations before you had a tendency to become easily addicted to things like gambling or alcohol, but didn’t do anything about it to change, then it’s a disposition that is passed down that says, ‘that’s just the way you are,’ and, ‘that will always be a part of our family.’

So how can this giant be killed?
Well, it’s not always easy, but with God’s help, it’s possible to face this head on, making healthy choices, setting boundaries that don’t allow you to go near those things that could become a vice, and praying over those things that have had a spiritual hold over your family, and breaking them off in Jesus’ Name.

Another practical example is negativity or cynicism that runs in the family.
If you’ve grown up around negative words or behaviour it can be so easy to pass this on through your words. But God has called us to be encouragers, and that includes our families. Through prayer and conscious effort, it is possible to fight against this pattern and create a positive atmosphere. This involves speaking out words of encouragement to our children when they do something well, especially if it’s for the first time. Speaking well of others in front our kids can be a massive help, as they see you honouring others, it creates a culture of integrity and respect.

These are quite specific examples, but the point is to be aware of what we are passing on to our children.

If we do our best to fight these giants on their behalf, it gives them a significant boost to achieve the potential that God has placed in each one of them.
And we’re not doing this on our own.

God says in His Word that He will ‘never leave us or forsake us,’ and this means He is there for us as we face down these giants in our lives. He has given us everything we need to overcome any work of the enemy, so we can be confident in building a better platform for our children and the generations to come.