Dating in the Modern Age

Dating: Navigating Life + Love in the Modern Age

By Ben Stuart

Dating … does the word strike anxiety or anticipation in your heart?

With all the tech connectivity, it seems that it’s just made dating more complicated, confusing and frustrating than ever before.

In this message based on Single. Dating. Engaged. Married,

Ben Stuart will help you see that God has a purpose for this season in your life,

and he offers guiding principles to help you determine who and how to date.

Ben is the pastor of Passion City Church, Washington, DC,

and former executive director of Breakaway Ministries, a weekly Bible study attended by thousands of college students on the campus of Texas A&M.

Dating in the Modern Age

First Things First

Do you want to be the type of person who is kind and loving to other people?

And Do you want to be a person who shows the kind of love to others that God shows to you?

Also, Do you want to be a source of life to your family, friends, the person you are dating—and the person you will eventually marry?

Then you need a source of life.

This is how it was always meant to be.

Love embraced becomes love extended.

It is the natural outworking of being loved first by God (see 1 John 4:19).

When you have a source of life, you can be a source of life.

In John 4, Jesus explained how each of us have a deep longing in our souls to be loved.

Jesus was talking to a woman at a well, and at one point he said to her,

“You have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband” (verse 18 niv). 

He also said, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water” (verse 10 niv).

Jesus was saying, “You have been looking for satisfaction for your deep soul thirst in the arms of men—and you cannot find it there.

You have misdiagnosed your need.”

Jesus was saying the only satisfaction for the longing in her soul was found in God, the source of life, and not in any human relationships.

John 4:13-14 KJV

[13] Jesus answered and said unto her, Whosoever drinketh of this water shall thirst again:

[14] but whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst;

but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life.
https://bible.com/bible/1/jhn.4.13-14.KJV 

When you use a dating relationship to validate yourself, it only leads to sucking the life out of the other person.

This is how toxic dating relationships are formed.

And This is why so many go wrong.

When you bring God-sized needs to other human beings, there is no way they can meet those needs.

Nor can you offer them unconditional love on the days they are struggling,

because they are the ones who represent your source.

But when God is your source, it becomes the most natural thing in the world to let his love flow through you and into the person you are dating.

When you know you are truly beloved, it is easy to love others.

And When you have an inexhaustible resource of love, you can then be a source of love for others.

If you are in Christ, you know you are cherished by the most beautiful and powerful being in existence.

He knows your name. And He sees you.

Also, He gave all to make you His. And He will never give up on you.

So, before you date—and before you choose to marry your mate—you need to be meeting with your Maker and forming a relationship with him.

It is in the stability of walking with Christ that you have the resources to bless the person you’re dating.

Check your heart on the following:

Why is it critical to have God as your source of life so you can be a source of life for another?

What happens when you get this order wrong?

How does your relationship with God impact your relationship with the person you are dating?

And How does your relationship with God impact the way you see yourself?

What do you need to do today to grow in your relationship with God?

What practical steps will you put in place to make this happen?

Dating in the Modern Age

A Pilot for the Journey

When I look at the landscape of life and love in many people today, I see fear.

Fear of making a mistake.

The Fear of missing out.

And Fear of losing opportunities.

In others I hear pride—the insistence to live life on their own terms so no one can threaten their freedom of expression.

And In many, I also see lust.

Why commit to love someone emotionally if you can just use them physically?

Fear, pride, and lust are the root of many problems that crop up in relationships.

None of these drivers aim at love.

Fear closes off and withdraws, but love opens up and gives freely.

Pride will not tolerate the risk of exposing one’s self to another, but love risks vulnerability for the sake of the other person.

Lust tells the other person you only want the parts you can use, but love embraces the whole person—on his or her best days and worst.

As long as fear, lust, and pride are in the driver’s seat of your relationship, you will be speeding away from healthy love.

These things will drive you into isolation or create shallow relationships that do not honor God.

This is the situation I see in our culture today.

I see a generation lost at sea, unsure how to navigate the tempestuous sea of love and avoid the pitfalls of fear, lust, and pride.

They are adrift, battered by the winds and waves.

Back in the day, when a ship sailed into treacherous waters,

the captain had to acknowledge he lacked sufficient knowledge of the area to guide his vessel safely into port.

When that realization hit (this was before the days of modern communication), he would raise a flag that signaled, “I require a pilot.”

Whenever a pilot familiar with the area saw that flag ascended on the mast,

he would jump into his little coracle, row out to the ship, and come aboard.

The pilot would commandeer the vessel and guide it safely through the rocks and shoals into port.

To signal to any other pilots who may want to come aboard that they were not needed,

the vessel would fly another flag—one that was half red and half white.

This flag declared to all who cared to see, “I have a pilot.”

No other pilots were needed, and the locals could be assured this ship was in safe hands.

In the midst of the uncertain seas in your dating relationship, you also have a way to chart a course forward.

You can raise the flag of surrender and admit that you “require a pilot” who will navigate you away from the dangers just beneath the surface.

And you can raise the flag of commitment that says to the world, “I have a pilot,” and then choose to follow him alone.

God is the one who made you and is the only one who can guide you safely home.

The Bible tells us that he is love (see 1 John 4:8).

So, in your dating relationship today, admit that you need a guide on the unknown waters of love.

Declare to God that you need him to take the wheel and guide you.

When it comes to dating, this is where your journey must begin.

Check your heart on the following:

What role has fear, pride, and lust played in your pursuit of romantic love?

How have you experienced healthy love?

What are some of the “treacherous waters” you have experienced when it comes to dating?

What does it mean in your dating life to raise the flag of surrender and admit you need a guide? 

Dating in the Modern Age

Why Date?

Dating is tough because it is risky. At times it can feel like playing hopscotch in a minefield.

It can cause you to wonder why even bother risking the inevitable pain.

The answer is because deep within us is a deep need and longing to connect with another person.

We want to love and experience love in return.

Most people on the planet want to get married.

So, we are willing to risk the drama of dating for the payoff of a long-term, intimate relationship.

In this message, I’m not going to talk about how you can get a date, because the reality is anyone can get a date.

If you set your standards low enough, you can get married tonight!

Finding someone to date is easy. But finding the right someone the right way is not.

So, the question becomes how you can achieve this.

How can you date in a way that will maximize the good aspects of meeting people while minimizing the pain?

To answer that question, you need to back up and ask something even more fundamental:

What is the purpose of dating?

The Bible doesn’t say a thing about dating, but it has much to say about evaluating people.

I would submit that dating is our modern process of evaluation.

Dating is discerning whether you want to spend your life with a particular person.

The first critical question this evaluation leads to is what qualities you should look for in another person.

As a single person, you want to be charging toward the Lord.

Devoted to him. Using your gifts, abilities, time, and influence to be a blessing to all people who are made in his image.

As you are chasing after him, there will be all manner of people running as well, but in all manner of directions.

Eventually, you will look up and see people chasing him along with you.

As you are running, you’re going to start talking to a few of them. You’re going to check them out.

What you are looking for is character and chemistry.

You want someone with character who passionately pursues God and the things of God.

Then you want to look for someone with whom you have chemistry.

You want someone you enjoy hanging out with, talking to, and with whom you click.

And You want solid, godly character and fun, easy chemistry.

Dating is not about chasing another person so you can find your meaning and fulfillment in him or her.

That is far too much weight to put on any human being.

And that is not how you were built.

You are not half of a person waiting for another half of a person to “complete” you.

But You are whole and loved by God as a single person—not incomplete.

So, the purpose of dating is not to find completion as an individual,

but to find a person of great character and with whom you have great chemistry so you can run into the future God has for both you.

When you date another person, the goal is to grow together so you can encourage, challenge, and shape each other.

In the process, you will have to adapt, change, and sacrifice.

It won’t always be easy or look like the romantic depictions you see in Hollywood films.

But you can be assured the journey will be well worth it.

This is the purpose of dating.

This is the vision you are aiming for in marriage. And it is a pretty amazing ride!
Check your heart on the following:

How have you been hurt in dating relationships? What have you learned from those experiences?

What is your motive in wanting to date?

Are your motives healthy? Why or why not?

What can help you evaluate a person as a potential mate?

What hopes do you have for the future as you consider dating someone? 

Dating in the Modern Age

Who to Date

One of the great dangers in dating is the tendency to adopt a consumer mentality rather than a companion mentality.

When you ask people what kind of person they would like to date, they begin to list a set of characteristics.

“Tall, but not too tall. Sensitive, but strong. Confident, but also caring. Handsome, but funny. And a good job with solid income.”

The problem with starting with a list of characteristics is that it creates an expectation no one can possibly meet.

You are trying to customize your order to get what you think is best for you.

In dating, you are looking for a person to love, not a product to consume.

So, your selection process can’t be rooted in transient characteristics like looks, charm, or wealth,

because these characteristics fade over time (see Proverbs 31:30).

If your marriage is built on surface characteristics, you have no hope together of a lasting future.

In dating, you are not constructing a robot from human parts to fit your needs.

Rather, you are leveraging your life to build up the other person for the glory of God.

The person you choose to marry should thus have an anchor point of love and morality outside of what you offer so your marriage can stay strong even when you are at your weakest.

You want someone whose faithfulness to you is not anchored in the shifting sands of circumstance.

Now, are you going to find all this out about a person on date one?

Of course not!

Anybody can bluff their way through a one-hour interview.

But what you want to see is someone who is striving to do beautiful things for beautiful reasons.

You want someone who is actively pursuing the Lord with a level of intensity compatible to yours.

And You want to stand at the altar together and promise to be faithful to each other without wondering if both of you are sincere.

You want to live out your years with someone who is not only faithful to God but also a good fit for you.

Your personal convictions and beliefs about God matter in your relationship.

There are critical theological issues about which you cannot bend:

the existence of the triune God, the reality of sin, the substitutionary death of the Christ, and salvation by grace through faith.

Beyond these are other critical issues you may be able to disagree on and work through together.

Yet I caution that while you do not need to be lockstep on every issue, you want to be aligned on the issues most critical to you.

Being socially compatible matters.

The majority of your marriage will not be spent having sex but hanging out together.

You should find your mate interesting.

And You should have life and career goals that point in compatible directions.

Some compromise is essential.

But too much, and you may both end up frustrated because you are unable to fulfill your mission in life.

The Bible recognizes value in physical attraction (just read the Song of Solomon).

It is a factor in building a relationship—but it does not determine if you should be with someone.

Obviously, this is because we all age and external beauty or health fades.

So be smart!

It is much easier to contemplate these issues before the wedding.

Considering all these points will help you discern whether or not God has ordained a relationship.

Check your heart on the following:

When you consider who to date, what are you looking for in a person?

What are your deal-breakers in deciding who to date?

Where are you willing to bend and sacrifice in a relationship?

How do you determine whether the person you want to date is striving for the same goals that you have?

What is the potential pitfall in not making this a priority? 

Proverbs 31:30 KJV

[30] Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: But a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.
https://bible.com/bible/1/pro.31.30.KJV

Dating in the Modern Age

How to Date

Several years ago, while visiting the Grand Canyon I hiked deep into the canyon to see a waterfall.

As I trekked along the Colorado River, I met a young couple who were heading to the same waterfall.

They invited me to join them, but I felt they would slow me down.

As I raced on ahead, I began to fear I had missed the falls.

As panic set in I scrambled up a cliff and startled a deer which caused me to fall back and tumble down the rocky canyon.

As I lay there, I heard the sound of descending water.

Following it, I found the sweet couple I had passed earlier, enjoying their lunch at the base of the falls.

I tell this story to illustrate a reality: the couple and I both got to our destination, but I took a less efficient and not-so-fun route to get there.

This illustrates modern dating.

People are finding love every day.

Yet the journey is taking considerably longer—many people don’t get married until they pass thirty-years-old.

In past generations the trails were clearer, but now we are forging through the wilderness with no equipment, no guide, and half a granola bar.

We are making it, but we’re getting pretty beat up along the way.

The rules of dating have become ambiguous and uncertain.

Dating should be associated with words like fun, exhilarating, and uplifting.

But far too often, the words I hear associated with dating are sad, exhausting, and stressful.

As someone who loves my young, single friends, I want a better journey for them.

And a better journey is possible!

The path to love can be painful, but there is a way to navigate it that can avoid needless pain.

Much of the distress today has been caused by the lack of any intentional dating process.

Notice I say process—the word implies movement.

Dating should be a series of actions toward a predetermined end.

It is not a status you sit in without any kind of momentum.

It’s meant to be a process of evaluation that has an ending point—a destination called marriage.

This process is characterized by timeless principles rooted in the character and love of God.

Note I call them principles, not steps.

Steps would be easier—just follow the instructions and you’ll be happily married!

Dating does not work this way, for relationships are too dynamic.

But Dating is more like sailing across the ocean than assembling a product.

Steps won’t work when you are crossing the ocean on a boat.

You cannot get turn-by-turn directions, because the environment is dynamic.

Who knows what storms you will encounter along the way?

Principles, however, can save your life at sea.

Knowing how to chart according to the stars, or how to use a compass, or how to chart with a map and sextant, can see you through.

In the same way, your principles in dating can help you handle any challenge that comes up.

That information will get you from the shores of singleness to the port of marriage.

Following the principles I will cover in the next two readings will require you to have your head and heart in the game.

It will take work.

But this work will become an adventure (albeit with risks) that makes it worth the effort.

These guiding principles—if you apply them to your dynamic dating environment—will lead you safely through the tempestuous waters of dating.

Check your heart on the following:

What words do you associate with dating?

And What are your expectations about how to date?

What is your mindset?

Also, What does it mean for dating to be a process?

And What actions are involved in engaging in the process of dating?

What is your destination on this journey?

If you are not interested in marriage, what are your options for having healthy relationships?

What relationship skills do you need to work on to date successfully?

How are you at listening, watching and evaluating the people you meet?

How can this process be an adventure?

Dating in the Modern Age 

Principles of Dating (Part 1)

When it comes to principles for dating, first and foremost you need to invite the God of the universe into the process.

Allow the truth about who he is to influence your thoughts and actions.

Prayer frees you from the terror of being alone—and protects you from compromising your standards.

You can relax and enjoy every moment because you rest in the knowledge your strong and loving God is leading you in a good way.

When you have a clear connection with God, you can see people as precious creations in his image—not to use, but to honor.

In dating, that honor begins when you follow the second principle of dating: provide clarity to the other person.

In Ephesians 4:15, Paul says a hallmark of the people of Jesus is that they “[speak] the truth in love.”

Proverbs 24:26 declares an honest answer is a kiss on the lips. It is a sign of respect and love to tell someone the truth.

So, muster the courage to graciously tell the other person what you think, how you feel, and what you would like to do.

Be sure to keep your meaning clear when you are on a date.

Let the other person know how you are feeling about the experience—don’t keep him or her wondering about what will happen next.

Ambiguity is uncomfortable.

Also, be clear about how this process of dating might end.

Share your comfort level with your experience at any time and be willing to stop without putting pressure on each other if one of you feels uncomfortable.

There should be a clear door out. When you give people clarity, you give them peace and the opportunity to be themselves.

Believers in Jesus do not need to play games. Life is short. You don’t have time to mess around with people’s emotions.

Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Be clear about the process.

A third principle for dating is that it should be between believers in Christ.

The Bible is clear those who trust in Jesus are to date (and marry) those who trust in Jesus.

You are to love those who do not believe, but you are not to extend a romantic relationship with them.

As a believer in Jesus, dating is part of being in community with other believers—a covenant relationship.

God does not recognize dating as a “status.”

You are either brother and sister in Christ, or you are husband and wife. There is no intermediate sphere. So don’t get this confused.

In the same way, the Bible draws a hard boundary between what is permissible sexually.

In marriage, much is permissible.

But In singleness, none is permissible.

And in dating, still none is permissible.

True love does not request access to your body while simultaneously avoiding any responsibility to care for you emotionally and financially.

So, until the two of you are married before God, you are still two. You are separate.

You are accountable before God for your own life.

So, treat dating as a season of evaluation that leads to a solid conclusion about the other person.

Use dating to determine whether you are in a good partnership or are not.

Check your heart on the following:

How have you invited God into your dating life?

Why is it important to invite him into the process first before you choose to date someone?

What are some ways to appropriately communicate your intentions to someone you want to date?

How can you honor a person you want to date by the way you treat him or her?

What boundaries has God set in relationships?

If you have crossed any of these boundaries, how can you get back on track? 

Dating in the Modern Age

Principles of Dating (Part 2)

Earlier, we discussed the principle of autonomy in dating—in dating only another believer in Christ.

When you follow that principle, you both will be operating under the same “rules” when it comes to following God.

This leads to the next principle: sexual purity.

Sexual purity is a principle that has been lost in modern times.

But it is important because sex involves far more than just physical contact.

A much deeper, emotional bonding takes place when two come together.

Your spouse is meant to be your best friend,

but if you throw sexuality into a relationship too quickly, it distorts your ability to evaluate whether or not this person is a good friend.

It makes you stay longer in relationships you shouldn’t be in, and it makes the breakups much more painful.

This leads to the next principle: treat the person you are dating as a child of God.

Who you are informs what you do.

So, when you are on a date, you need to see the person across from you—and he or she needs to see you—as an adopted child of God.

How do you treat a child of the King of heaven?

With courtesy, politeness, respect, and kindness.

You want the net effect of your presence in any relationship to be that of making the person better.

You want to encourage the person to trust and love God more as a result of your presence in his or her life.

Your aim should be to bless, not simply to impress.

So go to dinner, get to know the person, do things you like doing.

You are not trying to win him or her over, but simply evaluating if the two of you are a fit.

Listen intently, ask good questions, and share your thoughts honestly.

Compliment. Encourage.

And speak your mind with sincerity and kindness.

Don’t stress too much about trying to impress.

Dating is for evaluating and blessing. That’s it.

This brings us to the next principle: allow people you trust into your dating conversation.

Romantic feelings are intoxicating and distorting,

so, getting the right voices speaking into the process can keep you from spending too much time with the wrong person.

Select friends who love God, love you, and who are not afraid to tell you exactly what they think.

Ask them to speak into the process early and often. Surround yourself with godly counsel.

The final principle of dating is to be patient.

Let the relationship grow at its own pace.

Do not rush to put on a ring, but wait and watch the other person’s character.

Some people will be obviously unsuitable for dating at the outset.

Others may seem nice at first, but over time you will begin to question parts of their character.

Watch long enough to see how they react when things don’t go their way.

Give yourself the space to see them in every season.

Will you find a person who is a great fit? I don’t know.

But I do know that God has given you wisdom and himself to lean on as you journey through life.

I pray your hopes in this season of dating will be fixed on the King, not a prince or princess.

And I pray you will walk with him, believing he will care for your needs and, if it be his will, lead you to the right person in his good time.

Check your heart on the following:

Why is sexual purity important in the process of dating?

How can restraint before marriage help you build a relationship that will stand once you are married?

What does the way you treat the person you date say about your character?

Why is it important to treat the other person as a beloved child of God?

Who can speak truth into your life as you date? How open are you to that person’s input?

When has it been difficult for you to be patient in relationships?

What things can you only learn about someone over seasons of time? 

Also Read: Decoding Love Languages: A Christian Dating Guide. – Diademng

Dating in the Modern Age